SIXTY SEVEN MUST BE OLD AGE. WRINKLES ARE NOT APPEALING.

I HAVE GOT TO USE A DEAF AID IN MY LEFT EAR.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME FOR ME, ALL SORRY NEW'S.

ANGEL CLUSTER ART WORK.

I HAVE A CATARACT GROWING IN MY LEFT EYE.

ANGEL CLUSTER.

COLD AND BLEAK MORNING. SILVERY LIGHT MY FINGERS AND NOSE ARE COLD.

Tuesday 15.

8.38 AM.  I have a painful neck muscle due to angel  art work, looking down at my work desk and cutting shapes in the card continuously for several hours at a time without a break.  Pail grey sky, very cold there is a cool silvery film to  be seen on  all the surfaces visible from my bedroom window,   I feel cold even though tucked under the duvet and wrapped up in a fluffy dressing gown.  I slept most of the night inside my sleeping bag on the top of the sofa bed in my studio. 

I am sixty seven on Friday death is fast approaching me.  Big food shop at Waitrose £136.  Shopped at Iceland for frozen foods.  Booked  lunch at Longueville Manor Hotel  for my birthday outing.  I weigh eight stone three pounds.   Forced to switch on the central heating this morning again.   Shower.  Cold all day.  Graham phoned  we are driving on Thursday.  I paid £36 off food bill.  Hot flushes tormenting me all day and evening my face is and feels  so hot.

EDWARD HAIR CUT AT JIMS THE BARBER £4.50

16 Wednesday.
Hot flushes all day they are so debilitating .  I had an ulcer develop on my tong. Late into bed .

Thursday 17 October.
Driving with  Graham cancelled.  I was quite disappointed.

Roofers arrived while we were still  in bed to begin  work on Edwards studio roof.  I work all day on  three angel motif's, cutting them and printing samples.  A very hot and sunny day. Hot flushes all day make me feel so  uncomfortable.  Edward attended hospital for hand-check up then on to his ceramic class . 

We enjoyed a Tea-tree oil and water hot soothing bath together.  I trimmed my toenails  and shampooed my hair at 6.00. PM.  Feeling very  tired after hours of angel concentrated work so into bed 10.50 PM

Edward gets very agitated  over nothing.  He is so anxious all the time.  I feel very tired... Modelling work £30 fee for  two hours work at the Art Centre on 7 November.  That will give me a change of routine .

  

EDWARD EYE CLINIC 15.30.PM

Monday 14

8.50.AM.  Rain most of the night.  Dark grey sky.  Cold in the house.  Charley is in place sitting in the front window down stairs of his house across the road from ours. 

 Dreamt...I was trying on new clothing in a dress shop also I boarded a number 19 bus that took me right out of my comfort zone.  I still spend most of my dream life cleaning up filth from baths and floors...   

I have abandoned the novel "Left Behind". I don't like the way it is written.

  It is very dark in our bedroom this morning with shadows in the room Edward is still sleeping.  We must go to Waitrose as there is no food in the cupboards all we have eaten for days lately is toast.

House group meeting with the ladies.  Heavy rain.  Edward had drops in his eye for the scan at the hospital today.  Left hand grip measured 45 for my hand and my right hand grip measured 60.  Edwards right hand grip is 60 and 75 left hand.  Grips were measured at  the physiotherapy dept. in the hospital.

Edwards grip was off the scale for his age of 78 it was so powerful.  Rain all day.

PRAYER MINISTRY TEAM.

SUNDAY 13.

Woke at 10.30 AM.  Rain and cold all day.  We were forced to switch on the central heating.

EDWARD PUT THE COLOUR ON MY GREY PARTING AND HAIR ROOTS.

Saturday 12.

Marianne telephoned we had a long chat I invited her to visit us here in Jersey next September.  She is 73 years old and due for a cataract eye operation very soon.  My friend Frankie looks very well she wore deep red nail varnish.  Edward put the colour on my grey roots for me as I cant see where to place the colour my self on the top of my head.  My hair is so baby fine it looks spare and so thin.  I need to have a good cut as the ends are so thin and wispy.  The resulting colour is great blond with gold lights and very shiny.

Arts Centre 1.30 Old time music hall show.  Wind and cold all day with sunshine. 

EDAWARD LOOKS SO GOOD, HE IS BRIGHT AND HANDSOM EVEN THOUGH HE IS ON STERIORDS. HE IS SINGING AND HAPPY THIS COLD MORNING.

THURSDAY 10 OCTOBER.

8.30 AM.  There is a bright light in the dark cloudy sky.  I am fully dressed  sitting up in bed so that I am ready for my driving lesson with Graham.  I have a mug of hot coffee beside me.  I felt so cold during the night so I did not have a deep sleep.  I need my legs to feel and be cool while I am in bed which always caused tension with Edward.  He must have the duvet smoothly laying over his body it must be spread evenly with no gaps or lumps and he gets very aggressive if the cover is not just as he required it to be.  Winter must be settling sown in to its natural habit for the rest of this year.  It is chilly and I am having to wear my fluffy beige dressing gown around the house on top of summer outfits to ward of the cold.  Once I am wearing winter clothing one is on the down ward trend for the next six months as this home of ours does not retain heat as it is a single cement block built property erected in 1930.

Bed at 11.30 PM.  Driving with Graham.  Worked on angel photocopy to get correct shape.  I am trying so hard to improve my motifs to make their figures appear  more human. I don't find them as interesting or appealing as my own designs.

ZIAPEK INJECTIONS COST £800,79. EACH

Friday 11
10.46 PM.   Bed after cold windy autumn day.  Two hospital visits for Edward's hand injection.  We eat a bad quality fish and chips  meal in Over-dale hospital restaurant between appointments.  Rain and wind all day.  Worked on angels for a couple of hours.  Watched television and bed.  Last night I slept inside my sleeping bag on top of the sofa bed in my studio.  Edward has a splint to wear on his left hand during the night to the aid the straitening  out of his fingers to prevent them being curled up in to a claw like position in sleep.  He is not going to wear his hand in the splint, he will never do as he is instructed by any one, he only ever pleased him self.

LONGUEVILLE MANOR HOTEL

DRINKING PLAIN HOT OR COLD WATER IS BORING. WEDNESDAY SPECIAL AFTERNOO TEA FOR PERSONS OVER FIFTY YEARS OF AGE

9 WEDNESDAY

10.20. PM. Bed early to rest and read our books.  We had a soak in the bath together while Edward sang romantic songs to me.  I missed my driving lesson as I was still asleep in bed when Graham called.  I worked on angels trimming and cutting most of the day.  Edward has an upset tummy he keeps on emitting very loud and stinky farts then laughing.  I had a lovely basket of flowers carnations pink and white in colour also a card from the Wednesday Special team at the meeting.  The swelling on Edwards left hand is subsiding.  I am constipated.

I would like to finish my current angel  project placing them on their  stars in time for  Christmas but there are hours of work involved on each one. Renewing and inspiring my creative process in between the interruptions of   every day life.  Shopping, church, reading, watching  television and gardening to list a few items. Life gets in the way also I get a stiff neck looking downward while I am cutting to create...

LORD, TEMPER WITH TRANQUILLITY OUR MANIFOLD ACTIVITY, THAT WE MAY DO OUR WORK FOR THEE WITH GREAT SIMPLICITY.

TUESDAY 8

9.45. AM.  Weak sun light and violet sky.   The movement in Edwards fingers have improved. bruising is not so extreme.  I am sneezing.  The novel "Left Behind." about the end of the world is american written and I am struggling to read it.  Hot flushes are so boring they upset and depress me.  AT sixty seven hot flushed should have subsided for good.  I am struggling to give up drinking coffee.  Drinking hot or cold water is not interesting or stimulating it has no edge like a mug of freshly ground coffee beans with hot milk.  I have not been drinking very much of any thing lately so I am dehydrated at present.  I changed the desk position from the corner into  in front of the bedroom window in my studio to give myself more work space.  Worked on trimming Angel ready for painting characters on the motifs.  Edward visited the D.R. his G.P.  The sun shine pours into my studio window making work easier for me to see the small cutting details.  But it gets very hot working for hours on end in direct sun light as I become overheated and uncomfortable.  Bed at 10.00 PM...

I WEIGH 8 STONE 3 POUNDS ACCORDING TO THE HOSPITAL SCALES.

MONDAY 7
Hospital 10.00.  Edwards hand dressing painful it looks nasty with purple skin and swollen fingers.

8.55. AM.  deep blue sky, bright sun but I still feel cold in our bedroom.  Did the ironing.  The roofer workman and son called to deliver items to be used in the repair of Edwards studio roof as it leaks buckets of rain water dampening and soiling his art materials and stored paintings.  Hot all day.  Ladies meeting of church members.  Edward is not well, he is extremely tired all the time, sleeping on the sofa in the lounge most afternoons and all evening.  I have violent  tummy ache after eating fresh red salmon steak I prepared in the microwave oven.  Hot flushes have started again in my body after months with out them. I thought I had finished being tormented by them.  Painted flesh colour on angel motifs.  To catch up with work waiting for completing will take me months.  Each small motif takes me days of concentration to finish to any degree of satisfaction.  I don't know why I bother as I have yet to make one that thrills or excites me.  I don't know what I am searching for with making them.  I want to create just one that is perfect as a template that can be used for the printing of many in designs on dress material and wall papers. Anything...

LEADERS % HEALTH.

SUNDAY 6

Attended local Elim Church.  Bring and share lunch in which Edward engaged with the people and the food of cause.  Hot sunny day.  I cleaned the sun-room.  I feel depressed.  Edward is not well . He eats and sleeps all day.  His left hand is swollen.  I am almost seventy, my life is over and I have not begun to live.  I don't see a future for me.  At my age what is there to look forward to.  Nothing new or interesting, especially as I get tired so quickly with no energy at all.  I don't want to have to watch my husband fade away.

GRACE TRUST FEEDING THE POOR AND HOMELESS IN JERSEY.

SATURDAY 5

Hot day. attended charity lunch meeting at St Paul's.  Television and bed at 10.30.  Edwards left hand is swollen.  I walked into town.  I weigh 8 stone 3 pounds.  I don't feel anything is worth recording.  I am bored, nothing to record.  The lawn in our garden looks good.  Bath and hair wash.

FRIDAY FEAST AT ST PAUL'S CHURCH.

FRIDAY 4
Edward hospital for his hand. 9.30 G Hulin Department.   Walked in to town in the rain.
Home at 3.00.PM.   Read romantic novel.  television and bed at 10.00 PM.
Greetings card from Frankie to wish his good luck at hospital, very nice.
I am reading  "Fifty Shades Darker."

PLEASE RETURN. THANK YOU.

THURSDAY 3

Edward hospital at 9.30. I walked into St Helier in heavy rain.

Very tired all day.  Bags under my eyes with tiredness and strain, no proper sleep.

Bed at 9.00.PM to read novel. Stiff neck.

1 OCTOBER - 11 NOVEMBER 2013 JERSEY EVENING POST SIMPLY THE FEST. TENNERFEST. OVER 190 FIXED PRICE MENUS. AMAZING DISCOUNTS.

1 Tuesday October. 10.21:AM. Cold grey sky, wind. Edward is always out of bed before me. I always feel dreadful when I sit up, getting out of bed always takes me ages. Adjusting my body from lying prone to vertical takes me ages to adjust. Laundry, vacuumed ground floor. Edward drove into St Helier. I worked on my laptop. email from Kate. Rain on the freshly washed garments I had hung on washing line. Frankie telephoned. Television. bed at 11.55

JERSEY GAS MAN CALLED TO READ METER.

WEDNESDAY 2 Hot day. Driving lesson with Graham. Worked in Cry shop. Bed early to read our books at 9.20:PM. I could not sleep at all. The wrinkles on my face are deep and the skin looks, feels and is dry. Every day I use face cream and serum but it only makes the hair around my face greasy. Old people have wrinkles; The best face cream in the world will not stop drying skin or wrinkles or the fingers and hands used to apply the cream to the face would be perfectly smooth and wrinkle free as a direct result. Only once a week do my fingernails look good and that is after cleaning the ceramic sink in my kitchen with thick bleach to remove tea and coffee stains from the tea cups and mugs cleaning the white work top and the kitchen cupboard doors.

SABER TOOTH TIGER CALLED STRIPPY.

Sunday 22 September. 9.30:AM Saw the St Catharines bus pass opposite our house through the window. We are so lucky as we have two bus stops directly outside and opposite our house. Not a good sleep. I look dehydrated and wrinkly. Coughing during the night and up at 4.16 AM to make tea for Edward. Hallucinations while staring at the back of my closed eyelids in the dark bedroom. I was walking along a woodland path when a tiger ran towards me out of the dark. His skin curly fluffy fur was strippy. I petted him. He told me that he was a saber tooth and that he was sixteen or seventeen years old. We got on very well becoming instant friends. I could not see his face properly as it was dark so i did not see his eyes or teeth. He was very playful with big soft paws. I liked him, he must be one of my animal guardians from the spirit world.

EILEEN PODGER DIED ON 12 JUNE 2013.

Saturday 21 September. 8.20:AM. Blue sky,sun,wind shadows. Cough,runny nose, head pains,breathless. Ankle pain. Pain in my left knee. Dreamt...I was a prisoner in a very tiny beige house with horrid old woman. I do not feel much better. 11.30 PM. I have rested all day in bed and on the sofa in front of the television. Plenty of sleep with horrific dreams. Edward spent all day in his studio. He eats all day long. His face has blown out his whole body is bloated. No word from Catherine. I am disappointed. I feel stronger.

EDWARD ADULT EDUCATION CLASS'S ARE MONDAY-WEDNESDAY -FRIDAY. I WEIGH EIGHT STONE THREE POUNDS.

FRIDAY 20 SEPTEMBER. 9.16 AM. Dark grey sky, bright sunshine, wind, strong shadows. Edward is singing merrily in the bathroom. My nose is clear of mucus but I still can not breath through my nose. My face is swollen and it hurts also the back of my head. My mouth feels dry due to all the hot lemon I have consumed, I have an irritating dry cough. My eyes are watery and don't look good. Dreamt... That two beautiful little girls were annoying us. They got into our car, one kicked at the windows the other tried to smash in the door... Edward dreamt that he met up with Julie his ex-wife. He held then hugged her and was surprised that he felt no emotion at all for her... Stayed in bed most of the day. Edward looked after me very well. He was busy all day out and about. I Slept on the floor in his studio during the afternoon to get a change of scene while he worked on carving ceramic figures. I rested most of the day. I eat a steak sandwich which I enjoyed in bed later while reading a glossy magazine and drinking a cup of chicken soup. Kate should be in England accompanying Ben to university in Canterbury this weekend.

IMEDEEN, BEAUTIFUL SKIN BEGINS WITHIN. PRIME RENEWAL. CONTRIBUTES TO FORMATION OF COLLAGEN. HELPS INPRIVE SKIN QUALITY AND MOISTURE BALANCE.

SEPTEMBER 19, THURSDAY. EDWARD IS OBSESSED BY BELVITA BREAKFAST BISCUITS. I AM DRINKING HOT FRESHLY SQUEEZED LEMON WATER. Edward adult education class. 6.55:am. Grey sky. Sitting up in bed at 6.10:am drinking coffee from thermos flask eating two Belvita biscuits together. We watched Griff drive away at 6.15 from the bedroom window to feed his two horses. Not a bad sleep, woke at 4.00 to visit the loo and put on fluffy dressing gown against the cold night air,I must use a duvet cover. I have a cold. Edward is planning designs in his head for new clay projects while trying to fall asleep. Obsession takes over for a project while making art. I am developing a chesty cough, a blocked nose prevented me sleeping. "I heard a baby crying, it was very distressed." Inside my head while lying in bed awaiting sleep to take me . 9.45 PM. I am in bed early feeling OK but my nose has run all day like a tap. I am breathing through my mouth. Hot flushes and sneezing bouts. I am taking Beechams Ultra All in One capsules: Driving lesson with Graham. Edward brought home a beautiful ceramic casket he has made in his ceramic class. It is white with blue decoration,paintings from the seaside, shells, fish, lobster and merpeople it is amazing. I made a start on the Angels. I have lost the flow of inspiration due to the long summer break. I will have to concentrate on catching up to get back into the art mode before any good things result's. My dripping nose is a constant drag... I am hot and cold alternatively. The house feels so cold the outside temperature is low...

RAIN.

16 WEDNESDAY
8.48:am.  Peering out of the window at the dark grey sky it looks as if the rain  continually blessed  the earth all night long.  Every plant that has a scrap of vegetation remaining from the east wind looks washed and so much greener.  An army of colourful umbrellas on legs can be seen from my window marching along the pavement.   I woke instantly this morning without the usual death like feeling and proceeded down stairs making two hot drinks in the kitchen for Edward and I.

Dreamt... I was cleaning and clearing out mothers old kitchen for a tiny old man the size of a five year old child.  I was bathing him while he sat on the draining board of the kitchen sink.  He was totally covered in grime the bath water in the sink was filthy and smelled as I scrubbed at his body.  Later as I was cleaning the floor Catherine my youngest sister through a screeching tantrum while sorting though piles of old clothing.  Ros another of my sisters helped me clear the  rubbish from the war dug up from deep holes in the garden flower beds.  Rain is still falling 9.15:am...

I AM 67 THIS FRIDAY.

A BRUISED REED JESUS WILL NOT BREAK, AND A SMOULDERING WICK HE WILL NOT SNUFF OUT. ISAIAH 42.3a

FOR GOD HAS NOT GIVEN ME A SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF POWER AND OF LOVE AND OF SOUND MIND. 1 TIMOTHY 1;7

I AM UNIQUE AND I LOVE IT.

LADIES MEETING.

YOU CANT STOP THE MARCH OF TIME. I AM ALMOST SIXTY SEVEN. I MUST BECOME A ZOMBIE TO PLEASE PEOPLE OR SO IT SEEMS.

MONDAY 30

8.05 AM.  Dark sky.  The roof's  of the houses across the road are shining this morning above a road slick and greasy like a treacherous snake uncurling into the future.  I hate fine rain.  It is so deceiving one takes a chance believing  that one one won't get soaked but  its moisture creeps into every where invading the soul and dampening the ardour of the day. 

I feel so down and the skin on my back is tormenting me with itchiness. 

Persons I know  feel that I should  give up my angel work, as naked angels are not approved of by some who have seen them.  They want to take away from me all that I have to occupy my day apart from house work and attending to the garden  and I feel very sad. 

 What am I supposed to do all day without my angel paintings, they have given me a reason to get up in the mornings.  I love cutting out their tiny fingers and features and painting their flesh  and personality's they are my creations.  I have never been pregnant and they are  my harmless children. 

 Edward spends all day working on his painting and ceramic compositions it is an obsession that he loves.   Having  been involved with all kinds of art making since he was a five year old child he loves it and it keeps him sane now that he is a man of over seventy years.  So why do people I happen to know want to take my obsession  from me!  Am I only supposed to  to so house-work, gardening and walk around the shops day after day like a zombie all because viewers don't like angels to be naked.  You can't be a christian and depict a naked body. 

 Tiny three inch high pieces of painted card the actual finished size of  my angels how narrow.  I believe my angels have a joyfulness they are fun and funny.  If I were a more skilled draftswoman I could expect them to be taken seriously.  Edward always laugh at them, sometimes they even make me rock with laughter as they are  grotesque in their uniqueness.  They are imperfectly beautiful and I love them because they are me each and every one of them joyful and funny, unrepressed and free little dancer's .  I am not like anyone else and I don't want to be...   

They have an eternal innocents,  because I am not corrupted by the dross of life.  The filth of every day does not cling to my aura as it does to so many people who are filled with darkness.  They are dirty people in their hearts.  I am not a dirty person in my heart. 

 I feel very low there is an ache in my soul.  If and when Jesus wants me to stop creating my angel art work He will tell me by giving me some thing else much better to do to  take their place I expect. 

 I feel really down and lifeless. Why destroy something harmless, I feel full of grief.   Edward is keeping on at me this morning.  He is so careless he keeps losing items and blaming me where he should take more care of his property.

I feel a victim of thoughtlessness.