ROYAL WEDDING  ATTENDANT ANGELS

MY FRIEND FROM DURRELL ZOO

BAD PHOTO OF ACRYLIC PAINTING

AT WORK IN MY STUDIO ANGEL PRINT ON WALL BEHIND

26 Monday.

It was a hot dry day.  I did not look or go outside, I worked all day cutting out figures from old family photos.  My tummy feels so painful the turmoil of butterfly fluttering around within is a killer it saps ones energy.  I felt faint during the afternoon while sitting at my work desk until the pain in my neck muscle forced me to retire stopping  altogether and  leave my  studio.  I have to look down and through a magnifier hung on a string around my neck  in order to see and  cut out the figures and forms in the photos as precisely as I am able .  My eyesight  is not good I HAVE AGE RELATED LONG SIGHTEDNESS SO HAVE TO ALWAYS WEAR GLASSES FOR ANY CLOSE WORK.  Looking  downwards for hours on end all day long is causing strain in my neck muscles the pain  of which has been bothering me daily for some time.  I feel so very anxious that I am salivating excessively.  Edward is eating all day he hides in the kitchen and eats.  I feel that my life is completely out of my control and I have had several panic attacks this weekend.  Swallowing mouths full of saliva continually is a classic symptom of anxiety not new to me as I grew up with it from childhood.

My mother Joan Wason and sister Anne Pilfold attend my fine art degree show at Camberwell College of Art.

Thursday 29

830.am. Grey sky the light filtering through the cloud has a silvery sheen, it is cool this morning.  I slept on the sofa bed in my studio as it is a much cooler room.  I am an elderly person of sixty seven years, I am old and preparing for my demise.  I intend to ensure that my house is  completely empty at  my death.  So that no-one will have to enter and clear the premises like I and my sister Rosamund had to do for our mother.  It is my intention to dispose of all my furniture and domestic items, crockery, bedding and ensure that the home is empty of all personal possessions accept essentials like clothing. I will use paper cups and plates, a sleeping bag and microwave oven, lap top and washing machine plus television and fridge-freezer and vacuum cleaner  my essentials. The trauma of emptying the home of a deceased loved one still haunts me.

Saturday 5 January

Grace Trust lunch at St Paul's . No rain. Walked around the shops. TV bed.  I have not remembered any dreams lately only short snippets of events with out any details as follows... I was with my mother in the kitchen of our home in Orpington where she was performing a trance demonstration in the darkened room. When she drew my attention to a circle of light she was guiding around the walls and floor also the ceiling of the space in which we were standing by magnifying glass.  There was no illuminations at all in the room from electricity or outside light but for the tiny circle of light she was making move and dance by the instrument she held in her hand. I became afraid and woke up knowing that she way trying to put me in a hot spot for some unknown reason.

Model shoot by Grif Wason

Friday 4 January

 I slept on the floor all night.  No Rain what a relief.  Up at 11.30 am. I worked on decorative angels all day cutting out my designs with tiny scissors until dinner at 6.30 pm.  Edward worked on drawings of teapots and watched T.V all day.  Dinner, roast potatoes, chick peas, green beans, fish cakes, Haddock with brown sauce also large glass of Camparie with fresh orange juice.  I have worn my Onezie a grey all in one baby grow look alike garment for the last two days it feels great I am all zipped up within  there are no gaping spaces for draughty gaps in the design to allow  the cold in  to chill my body.  Edward did not get dressed until 6.00 pm wearing his dressing gown and vest all day.  Hot flushes still tormented me every evening and during the night. Sleeping on the floor is so much cooler I   get so hot   in bed.

Model shoot

Thursday 3 January 6.00am.

No rain.  Frankie came round foe a cut of hot chocolate.

 I worked all day on decoration  angels. painted them with a mix of PVA glue and gold acrylic paint.  Edward did a drawing with water coloured pencils.  I have so many angels waiting to be completed  that I feel overwhelmed.  Edward agreed to attend am Alfa course because of the free meal run by Frankies church she offered to do the driving.  I could not sleep, I tried lying on the floor.  Edward eat food all day he is so fat.  I feel hungry after all the food we eat over Christmas.  I must weigh my flesh.  Pain in my right foot and ankle had to swallow an Aspirin to dull the pain for sleeping.

Edward outside our home in Lee Brightfield Blackheath SE3

STILL PHOTO FROM TELEVISION DRAMA

I AM HOUSE CLEANING THIS MORNING NO ART WORK FOR ME THIS AFTERNOON IT IS WEEDING THE GARDEN.

ANNE MY SISTER VISITS THE PARK FAMOUS IN JERSEY FOR ITS GARDENS

TO DAYS CLUTTER CLEARING PHOTOGRAPH OF ANNE PILFOLD

PUBLICITY PRINT

THE SUN IS SHINING AND FAST  HAS RETIRED TO IN HIS STUDIO HAVING JUST COOKED BREAKFAST, BOILED EGGS AND WHOLE GRAIN RYE BREAD DIPPERS SPREAD WITH CLEARSPRING MISO INSTEAD OF MARMITE.  SEVERAL MORNINGS LATELY I HAVE WOKEN WITH A HEAD ACHE.

I WOULD WRITE SO MUCH MORE IF I WERE ABLE TO SPELL WITH CONFIDENCE.  I RECORD ALL THE HAPPENINGS IN MY LIFE EACH EVENING WHILE SITTING UP IN BED BEFORE SLEEP.  ON WAKING I ALWAYS RECORD MY DREAMS SOME OF THEM ARE SO MUCH MORE EXCITING THAN MY LIFE, I COULD LAY IN BED ALL DAY JUST DREAMING.

I HAVE NOT WORKED ON MY ANGEL PROJECT FOR SOME TIME NOW AS I HAVE BEEN CLUTTER CLEARING MY COLLECTION OF FAMILY PHOTOGRAPHS THERE ARE SO MANY ALBUMS FULL OF OLD PHOTOS FROM PASSED ASSOCIATIONS LONG DEAD.  PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES I CANT REMEMBER LEERING UP  AT ME FROM THE DUSTY PAGE'S.  

EVER SINCE A CHILD I HAVE USED SCISSORS FOR MY AMUSEMENT CUTTING UP SHAPES AND COLOURS TO MAKE ART.  HENCE MY PRESENT OCCUPATION OF CUTTING UP PHOTOGRAPHS TO COLLATE ALL THE HUGE OF PHOTO ALBUMS INTO A FEW PAGES ON  FACEBOOK AND BLOGGER.  IT IS MY INTENTION TO PUT THE FACES OF MY PASSED ACQUAINTANCE'S ON TO A SERIES OF MY ANGEL MOTIF'S.

SISTERS ON HOLIDAY IN JERSEY

THE JOY OF LIFE

MO AND JOAN WASON

PLAY THE GAME, PUT THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY. PAINTING BY EDWARD HARRY STEPHENS

29 May 1999

PLATE DESIGN FOR CERAMIC ART BY EDWARD HARRY STEPHENS

                                 

WE LOVED OUR WEDDING DAY 29 MAY 1999

SUCH A WONDERFUL DAY WITH ALL OF OUR FRIENDS 29 MAY 1999

JUST MARRIED BROMLEY KENT 29 MAY 1999

We had a great day at DURRELL ZOO JERSEY CHANNEL ISLAND

Tuesday 13

7.50. am  Sun seeping through thick cloud brightening the edges of the house's opposite picking out the white plastic of the double glazed window frames and front doors of all the homes in our road to drown out the commuter traffic nose of  the busy main road where we live.

  Dreamt three dreams last night all happy ones.  I was a young actress performing in the opening of my first play...I had found a beautiful object at the side of the road on the grass verge it was the size of a pen knife and shone having fine metal tablets clipped together to form a note book with lettering  on each side.  It lay shining on the grass, people passing  tried to claim it from me... While employed as a bus ticket conductor I was given a pile of ancient books.  I chose two beautifully decorated fine art bibles they were magnificently illustrated with primitive paintings.  The writing I could not read appeared to be in gold.  

I have a pain in the right side of my neck also in my right hip this morning.  The sun has broken through the cloud.

12:25  The sun is shining madly bright and there are deep dark shadows on the lawn.  Edward cooked breakfast he is always on the look out for something to eat. I had large boiled egg, slice of bacon, tiny tomato and three slices of whole grain rye bread toasted with butter also two cups of coffee.
  A person from the Blind Society called this morning to deliver two pairs of over glasses for Edward £35.
Graham is not feeling well enough to take me out for a lesson in my car to day.
The washing I hung on the line earlier must be dry by now as the sun is blessing us with such warmth even though this morning I felt chilly and am at present wearing two pairs of trousers one on top  of the other.

Replanted Fur Tree

Monday 12

9.42. am   Grey clouds. I can see no blue sky at all.  Woke with tension in both my legs they feel as though they have been squashed and the blood is desperately trying to move along the veins which have been crushed.

Dreamt...I was in a prison cell where every wall and item in the cell was covered in red polka-dots.  

Edwards chest is very tight this morning he has attacks when he is unable to breath they are very frightening.  Edward is eating all day long.  He caugh's so very loudly and makes odd growling noises while he is doing things through out the day. 

 We have no door on our oven.   Edward informed me the glass and metal front just fell off.  He has always banged  the door  down, allowing it to drop instead of carefully opening it down wards.  So we have no means of roasting our dinners, no electric cooker only the microwave.  He took the whole door off to clean,  where  I add with embarrassment that it has never been cleaned since  installation in 1983 by  elderly my mother. He is unable to replace it  at present by slotting it back into place, I will probably have to do it or ask Graham if her can help, poor Edward is always causing havoc in the home.

   He left the hot water tap running  in the down stairs toilet yesterday for goodness knows how long until I discovered it.  He does dangerous things my nervous are under strain each moment of the day.

We worked on the garden for several hours Edward dug a hole and together we replanted the fur tree.  It is such a sweet little tree brought all the way from Austria. While on a coach holiday with Marianne Chivers fifteen years ago. While we were walking down a mountain slope there were lots of tiny seedling fur trees I plucked three and kept them in my hotel room for the week in a glass of water returning with them to England wrapped in wads of toilet paper. The one we replanted yesterday is the only plant to survive it has flurished in a huge plant pot traveling with us from London Black heath all the way to Jersey.

  If it does thrive in the garden it is my intention to decorate it with coloured lights this Christmas in celebration of its life.

I cleaned the house.  Edward vacumed cleaned up stairs.  We also did a clean up of part of the garden as it is over grown with weeds in the flower beds. 

 Back in bed Edwards heart is thumping, racing too fast and he is extra tired.  I have back pain after working in the garden and housework.  It was a hot sunny afternoon. Smoking.  We had a bath together.

18: 12 Friday

I feel so down. Waves of depression attacked me descending on  my shoulders and down into my tummy while  travelling home on the bus.  We had had such a pleasant day together Edward and I we had planned to go on a round the island boat  trip  but high winds caused the trip to be cancelled.

  I am sorry for myself that is not a good sign there must be something very wrong with me .  My own thoughts upset me, it is my thinking about life that brings me down. I don't know what to do about myself, I am my own worst enemy, I need some help.

"Blind to the Bones."    by Stephen Booth.

When you live alone for a long time, you become a hermit and the outside world becomes a threat.  You here someone's footsteps in the corridor, and hope that they will pass by.  And when they do , you take it as another sign that the world has rejected you, that you are not wanted.  In that way you paint yourself into a corner, building a barrier that the world can never cross.  And you hole up for a siege.

Thursday 8

9 .35. am. Blue sky bright sunshine.  Every thing is caught in the brightness of the sun shine  I can see from the bedroom window.  The new white duvet cover has a machine stitched flower and lief motif  design with tiny blue forget-me-nots with black centres.  Edward's choice it is 100%  cotton  very smooth to the touch and bridal.  Dreamt...Yellow water, leaves and stones with gravel was shooting up through the bath waste pipe in to the tub which was over flowing into the room.  The water taps had  become turned on full out of which gallons of hot and cold water was flowing filling the bath and room. Panic reigned in the household I had almost completed my hair shampoo when I realized what was happening.  We my family and I  tried and failed to stop the impact of the excess water flow by blocking the waste pipe but it only became a more powerful force of water  with high fountains destroying the property.  The only man was in prison so myself and other women of the house were helpless.  I decided to rinse the shampoo off my head while there was still hot water when a large family of dolphin like creatures who could talk came on the scene up through the waste pipe offering their immediate help.  They were light grey smooth skinned and very beautiful creatures with young innocent faces. I loved them.  People passing our home on the street wouldn't help us as we called out in distress . People we knew just walked on including Kate Nash the sculptor from Jersey famous for her animal art works...I woke with  feeling of anxiety deep in my belly.

This is a photo of my father.

PATRICK OWEN SMITH

A MAN I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO MEET.

ARE ANY OF THESE WW2 HEROES KNOWN TO YOU.

Salvation's Song

SALVATION'S SONG

I am outside your heart

Let me in, let me in.

I am love, I am a person

My name is JESUS.

I long to here your voice.

Ask me in, ask me in.

I am peace, I  am a person

My name is JESUS.

To whomever call's my name

I will come, I will come.

I am joy, I am a person

My name is Jesus.

I died for all your sin yet LIVE.

Trust in me, trust in me.

I AN SALVATION, I am a person

My name is JESUS.

Poem written by Elizabeth Beale-Stephens on 15 October 1987

TUESDAY 30

6.26 am.  Drizzling rain...

  Dreamt...I had gone to visit Betty who has had a stroke in hospital.  She sat up right in her hospital bed which was a recliner.  She was very lively and did not look ill.  I was so pleased to see her.  She looked so slim wearing a lacy black top with white.  We talked animatedly she seemed very young and happy we were mostly fondly repeating and saying, " Good by to each other".  Now that i am awake waves of depression are filling me.  I feel so very sad.  I love Betty.  I don't know if she has died.  But my dream indicates that possibly she has.  I will miss her letters and decorated envelopes that have been so regular over the passed eight years.  Also I dreamt I had to take an exam, Edward took me to meet a man on a horseback the animal knelt down a long side  the kerb for me to mount up .

   Dark grey clouds.  The bedroom is full of shadows as out side it  is so dark and wretched from rain almost all night long.   Rain. All together my sister, myself, Lucy and Bailey we walked  around St Helier shops.  Lunching in Marks and Spencer where Edward joined us.  Anne cut my hair and did the colour it looks very dark  an all over mid-blond tint, as a gift.

MONDAY 29

HOT DAY ALSO STORM AND HEAVY RAIN. 

 DROVE OUT TO GREV DU LEQUE.  GOOD RELAXING DAY. WE READ  OUR BOOKS IN THE CAR.  EDWARD COOKED DINNER.

DREAMT... I WAS ATTENDING A PACKED CONFERENCE WHERE THE AUDIENCE HAD THEIR ARMS RAISED TOWARDS HEAVEN SINGING PRAISED IN VERY HIGH PITCHED VOICES TO THE ANGELS UPON HIGH.  I SANG ALSO BUT WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE DOING SO.  HAVING BEING ALWAYS TAUGHT NOT TO PRAISE OR WORSHIP ANGELS EVER.  IT BEING MOST SINFUL....LATER IN THE DREAM I WAS IN THE ROAD TELLING A DEAD TELEVISION PRESENTER WHO WAS UNHAPPY HOW JESUS WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD HELP THEM AND THAT IF THEY WOULD VISIT ME SOME TIME I WOULD EXPLAIN TO THEM HOW...I FELT VERY RELAXED ALL DAY OUT WITH MY SISTER ANNE HER DAUGHTER LUCY AND HER TODDLER BABY BAILEY.  WE HAD SUCH A HAPPY DAY ON THE BEACH. NO STRESS AT ALL.  LUCY'S NEW BABY BOY IS DUE ON 24 OCTOBER.   FINISHED MARY STUART  NOVEL.  I AM NOT READING "THE CAULDRON". BY COLIN FORBES AN ADVENTURE NOVEL.

I LOVE THIS PORTRAIT.

A VERY STRANGE EVENING IN CANTERBURY KENT 2006

ANGER

RAGE AND ANGER CAN CAUSE CANCER.

 PEOPLE WHO ARE ANGRY ARE PROBABLY DOING AS MUCH HARM TO THEMSELVES AS THEY ARE TO OTHERS.
YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE COME ANGARY, BECAUSE OF ANOTHRS ACTIONS OR CIRCUMSTANCES THRUST UPON YOU.

"NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU ANGRY".

YOU LET YOURSELF BECOME ANGRY.

YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS.

NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU ANGRY UNLESS YOU LET THEM.

ANGER CLOUDS THE THINKING PROCESS AND COULD CAUSE YOU TO DO SOMETHING STUPID.

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